One page a day is all i need

Sorrow has shipped away, looking at me in disbelieve thinking that I wasn't going to survive her visit.  Melancholy isn’t singing her disastrous melodies that were killing my heart. I no longer feel numb, I’m dancing in the rain for all my blessings ,and the biggest one was letting you go so I can start living this wonderful life God has put upon me.

You have sailed away, finally from my heart. I'm done craving for the unexistance of your soul that once cast me away in the most black hole nightmare.My body doesn't want your hands or your warmth, i'm contemplating how easy my life is now, without any complications or disarters: THANK YOU.

One day at the time is all i need, one page a day i'll make even if it seemed imposible i'm overcoming my fears and i'm ready to move foward.

She finally walks in and we have our last conversation about you:

-Feeling better now?-She asked

Much better, it's almost like i feel free.

-Do you think that you finally are?- she insisted.

I feel it, i feel that i don't have a burden or any shadows behind my back. I am free now.

-So, was i right that he never deserved you?-she had to throw it out there eventually.

Yes mom, you were. You're always right, i should've listened the first time.

-Sometimes is better to live it than to listen, i guess this wasn't the exeption.-She replayed with a low tone and continue- But, let me ask you, what about love, the love you said you felt can't be ignored. What are you going to do with that love?

I have wash it away, put in a box and throw into the sea.

-The Sea? umm, you know the sea's rule, right?  If it belonged once he will bring it back, is that what you're expecting from this, haven't you learned nothing?-She had her eyes watered and looking at me with anger.

Not this time mom, i sent it to the sea because i'm most certain that it will never get back because i don't want it anymore, i finally realized that i did the right thing of letting go the first time and that i shouldn't have try recovering it. I have learned the hard way: i really thought that he was my soulmate , that we were meant for each other but reality has played the cards much better, i have cried it, hurt it, suffered it.

I washed it away with tears, moments of silence,fear and with acceptance. Now, serenity has joing the party and i've decided to love whom ever loves me back. These are the reasons that have made me feel free and relieved , knowing that we both wish well to each other if  even it took me more time than him but finally closure is definitive.

-Wao, you're at peace. Are you ready to live the life you were built for?-She insisted

Mom, i finally found someone perfect for this twisted, broken, misunderstood, aged,carefull, wonderous, private heart of mine. I've had it in front of me all alone, it is him that make me be a better version of me, it is now that i can finally say i trully love someone else, someone that deserves my love, someone that i deserve as well.

-Good, you've learned it, the hard way but you have learned it. I'm glad one of us it's at a timely manner to redo her life the proper way. Let's go now, everyone it's wating and he'll be the one waiting at the altar.

As we walked toward the stairs i heard the whisper in my head: " One page a day is all you need"

I smiled, knowing that peace will remain in me.

The Swing

People would think that this insanity will finish me; That I would never be able to get back from this black land that I’ve chosen to live in.


The Truth is that I constantly have the same dream. I often hear myself saying words in a place  that only numbness can hear me. 
Is it healthy for a mind to keep the past in their present until one day he would turn on my future?. 


I can only say I miss you through my lines, I can’t speak your name or try to contact you in any way because it would be a mistake.


I can only understand now the struggle of an addict , no matter how hard we try we’ll always be craving for it, no matter how we keep ourselves sober, one day we’re willing to loose all the effort for one second of glory. I can relay with this feeling  so bad that my ability to forget you is at zero percent.

People would deem me for what I am, a selfish being that has decided to love what doesn’t belong to my surrounds. What is it about me been able to repel instead of attract you? 


I thought that I wasn’t able to do something so obnoxious : telling   my heart that  I will seat through the years and wait for you. How lame is this? To be afraid of loneliness and settle for less , for something that isn’t you.

People had told me that it isn't right for me, that we don't belong. Only if i could make you understand how deep this sorrow has over taken my heart, would you change your mind? the answer to that question is a rotundent NO. What once was ,isn't there any longer.


It doesn't make sense to me, all this love wasted for nothing but yet it has stablished it's own signature: it ENDED today for me, it was never a possibility for you.


Salomée ♥!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJGpsL_XYQI&feature=autoplay&list=PLE83DE7B27D73AD75&lf=mh_lolz&playnext=1

My reasons

I'm starting to hate this... more and more every day. To  be the last thing i see before a i go to bed and to dream it during my peace time. It's too much, when would i stop this madness and let go? The answer to my question is: "just because you don't want to"- My heart says .

I'm tired, i don't know what to do with  this, not anymore.
Apparently ,in some part of my subconscious  mind  , it has  some kind of amusing on torturing me . I guess i arrived to that place were i found my own personal hell without any opportunity of repentance.
 I guess i have my reasons, i wish i could  return time an relived  over and over those moments we're i felt complete.
I guess i won't stop writting to you, even when you don't want to see me anymore,even when i wish i wouldn't have  met you, even when  you made me feel so small for you.


How can you forget a soul mate?


Maybe i shouldn't have let you in  again in my life that sunny morning with the sea view and your smile  mesmerizing my soul again like the first day.
I have my reasons to keep you in my heart, i believe that this love is worth saving, even if i'm the only one that still believes in it. This is the reason why when we were   reunited it was like the first time and it became transcendental to me.
Yesterday i fought a big battle with my hands, my mind,the concequences, the internet...instead of fighting you, i was fighting myself to survive another day without trying to contact you. It was hard , i was almost giving up. Only God knows how was i able to stop. 
I guess i have my reasons to keep you with me, when i should tear the bond that I am choosing to tie.
My reasons, are mine. The one thing you can't deny me from and take it away  with you to another sky.

Salomée ♥!

To my dear Widow!

I just read your last conversation with your mom.... i must say i totally understand  your feelings and your duel with her over and over about the way you should live YOUR life.I've been there and let me tell you that the sensation it's impossible to put words to describe it. No one it's ever good enough, no one deserve us, no one trully loves us, no one it's worthy and because of this we might end up with no one. I'm sure you've already lived the hate process and find out that you can't hate her, and i'm sure you're trying to pleased her, because she deserves it. But i have to  agree with Nadeshko all the way and say that you need to stop making this a battle and put your trully self out there, i'm sure who ever loves you enough will final accept that it's your happiness that matters.

The honest truth is that at the end of the day she's the only one  that will ride with you and would be willing to die for you, even though you don't think she would.

I'm looking foward to read more about your adventures of pursue of happiness and i'm sure one day she'll give in but she won't unless you make a clear stand of what you want.

xoxo,
Salomée

Visiting my happy place!

I lost track of this  path several years ago. I remembered that i was walking it smiling and persuing my magical happy ending. I understand now that what my mom said is so true:
" You are the result of your own choices, it's noones foult but yours."
I hate it but she knows me perfectly, i look back and see that she's so right that scares me. I learned some good lessons from her, the ones i didn't  follow marked  the diference today:


-One: you should stop once you find that missing piece in your heart,there's nothing else after that but pain.
-Two: Karma exists.
-Three: once lost, never found; if returned, it will never be the same.
-Four:The mind doesn't have the power to heal a heart break, it can only give you a shot of amnesia so you can survive what's left in your life.
-Five:Be careful on what you wish for; you might get it.


I like to visit from time to time my "IF" land and pretend for a second " what if i would've...". I'm such a estructed human being that i need a checklist to follow for my master plan , the one i lost track long time ago, the one that ran through my fingers trying to scape from me.


I just want one moment of pure and perfect happyness, is this too much to ask?


-Yes....(I here her say)...You need to wake up every morning and say to yourself that you are in your happy place and noone can take you away from it.


Now ,i start thinking how does my happy place look like, is it like an old movie or is it more like "Alice in wonderland"? What's my happy place like?

It's a big turquoise beach with pearled sand and soft breeze. The palm trees swings  with some kind of tropical dance making me smile. 
It's a place full of  deep light, where the sun doesn't burn the eyes but heat up the skin. 
It's a unique island that treasures rainy days with sunlight, where there's a sacred lake that's covered with  a continue spray of snow. It's a Wooden Home, where warmth and wind coexist in perfect harmony.
 It's a place for secret encounters, where i can see myself as i really am.It's a wide white room, where i can cook love and bake tenderness.
It's a  hot  and cold water brook, where i can swim to other continents and be in Venece in less than a second, it has teleporter capacity.
It's my mother's embrace and my father's shoulder.


Visiting my happy place from time to time, feels good.




Salomée.

Everlasting

Forever is cursed.
My eyes are block by your shadow and this is  more unbearing as the days goes by. I wish i could call or even see what the oceans are trying to hide between the water, sand and the sun. Eternity isn't fun anymore. I have no choice but to forget you, the interesting part is that the effort is less each day. I simply can't.

"I'm tired, love"- i had to say.

-Why won't you quit? it's not imposible, i was able to do so with no dificulty.

" You have the nerve of rubbing it in my face? have you no heart?"- i had to sound ridiculous enough.

-If i don't say it, who will? You need to understand once and for all, love.

"I understand, that's not the problem. I know my misery means nothing to you. Do you think i want to be in this place forever? Do you think that i want...."-I had the nerve of crying infront of him.

-Please don't make more of a fool of yourself, i don't long for you the way you do. I'm rebuilding and forgetting, moving foward. You should do the same.

"Yes , i know that for sure.But sometimes it's dificult to believe that you don't wish for my flesh, that you don't wish for one more day or one more time, That all the things you've said were just a result of moments of lust.The words you once wrote for me, and only for me,Would never be for someone else."- i had to say it and sound proud of it.

-So? it's past tense now. That was just me being blind and stupid. We don't belong anymore. I love other things now, other people.

"You don't believe we are soul mates?"-I was naive enough to ask.

Silence.

"You don't believe this, us, is everlasting? Don't you feel that when we see each other it's like the fist time, like the entire universe stops and there's nothing else but us? Are you saying that this isn't worth saving? it's been more than a decade and still feels fresh and perfect for me, does it to you?"- I  had to say it out loud  in the open without measuring the consequences.

Silence again.

" Dare to look at me again, stop running and face me, tell me face to face that we're over."-I had to give him the opportunity.

-We're over, Sal.

He had the courage to say it to the wind, sitting down in a different country. Waiving a goodbye far away from me. I still don't believe him but my heart has been preparing me for the inevitable truth: he left to forget our everlasting love or to bury it until one of us gives up.

"I just wish it would stop lingering arround here and leave me alone"-I finally replayed.

Salomée ♥!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5anLPw0Efmo&ob=av2e

Minimalism

Going  back to where all started : us.

The simplicity of a kiss.

My  open heart.

Your honest verse, kept in a box with me until today.

The hands touching the face, the lips speaking of love, the sky whitnessed it all.

Time hasn't put an end to it  like  i hoped, it has mark me and won't let me forget.

It was intense for me, i will never find the proper words to describe it.

It was a mistake for you, you will never find a safe place to hide it.

Some day it will be possible? -No it won't.
Please come to me, i despairingly need you-No you don't.
Why me? -Because you're the love of my life.

Intriguing feelings of absence, when thousands of seas break our lines and make us be apart.

How black and white is our promise land flag.

This is how i know it's forever: no matter how long it passes, i still see you like the first time. Untouched, unbreakable, MINE.

The extreme simplification of our love is hidden from the surface and only can be discovered and published by the the creators: Us.

What's essential to me? YOU.
What isn't needed in your life? ME.

I have encounter the path that would take me home several times but refused to let go, but why? so i can linger in limbo until you decide to return and leave again. I don't seem to learn my lesson. I enjoy the torture.

The way i feel about you, i  will never feel for anyone ever again, it's too painfull.

Warm me up sun, since this rain has stole my happy days and the wind is blowing the wrong direction again.

Salomée ♥!

The Hollow

My thoughts went down, deep into the ocean and left my body resting in the sand, i guess they felt they should deattach to think for a while. Have you felt lost  lately? my heart asks , i give him no anwer. What's the point on using words that will perish in the next seconds. I feel too much that i feel nothing, it's like i'm missing something that i left in the road long time ago.Where am i going? since when i have all this baggage? no answers for these stupid questions. Instead of being a magnent , i'm a repellent., i've work so hard in my walls and self preservation that intead of living in a Island i'm the island.Such Irony is so funny. how solitude is cherish and when obtain it only leaves this big black hollow.

Salomée ♥!

Tragedy

Craving.

-        For what?

You.

-        That’s not possible, I’m not near.

Exactly.

-        Don’t you get tired?

No.

-        I am.

Who cares about how you feel?

-        You.

Bastard.

-        But you like me like that.

No, I hate you like that.

-        When can we meet. I want to touch you the way you want me to, the way only I can touch you.

I don’t want to see you.

-        But you said you were craving.

I am, but I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to mount that roller coaster again. Well, I want to but I refuse to. What’s the point  on that , you’re not going to stay. So, talk to you in my next dream, I hope not any time soon. Since I hate having you in my head so often.

-        Wait, don’t…… don’t wake up. We can still play a little longer.

I’m tired of that already, I'm not playing anymore. This time I’m keeping away from games. I’m sure you’re too.

-        Sal, please let me….

Let me what? What more can you possible do to turn my life upside down? I’m fighting every day to straighten it back where it belongs. Good night.

Salomée ♥!

Encounter: The warning.

There comes a time it a our lives that the road seems blurry and uncertain, when that happens  we trend to begin a journey of self discovery and acknowledging the fact that loneliness is our own invention just because we refuse to look around .

I’m surprised by the way you appeared, I wasn’t looking around, I was trying to keep moving forward. I never asked  to be tempted but yet you’re trying to cross my road. The big question is would I let you, the big answer is “No”. I refuse to be pulled out of my road, the encounters are designed to make us loose our north and I’m sure this time I won’t let anyone drive me outside the road.

But,

I won’t lie, I’m wondering why. Why this, why now. I’m intrigued by this too, but you have to understand something: there’s nothing you would do that would me make feel anymore, the heart is numb as much as the body. I’ve seen it all and lived it all. Your visit it’s too late, I won’t response the way you want me too. So, my advice is to run, as fast as you can, away from the twister you’re about to encounter.

However,            

If you wish to stay, it would be under your own risk. As much as you say there won’t be commitment one of us will end up hurt and I can guarantee it won’t be me I already went through that and promised myself: never again. I’m not attracted to you, I’m not looking for any escape. I have everything I need and I do not desire other flesh. How can you make me want you now, when I’m too damaged? When I’m not seeking for a savior? When my focus is in myself and no one else? Like I said, you’re doomed to failure. It’s not your fault , it’s the timing; Life has put upon me  a burden that it’s not in my place to share, it’s impossible to get rid of and it will follow me for as long as my soul could find a way to breath. Trust me , the last thing  you need it’s this complication.

Maybe,

It’s not about getting emotional involved, you just want to write down your story in my temple and walk away with some kind of male victory by putting your flag up saying that “this was one more”; Watch carefully all of your moves because I’ll see all of them coming and nothing will caught me out of guard, I’m that cynical.

You see now , that it’s too late to play games with me? That all  I  have left  is  my game, which isn’t healthy for you to play. It’s better for us to know the truth of each other before this encounter vanishes, leaving us with the wrong impression.

You were warned.

Salomée.

The way you love me

As the shadows walks after the skin, leaving no witness of the explossion, that's the way you love me.
When the rainbow surfaces the sea and travels through the sky reaching the land and touching my cheek with a sweet kiss, that's the way you love me.

The deepest tranquility that surrounds the rain forest and how the entire nature dances tuned with the song of the tree's heart, as we tuned the rhythm of the flesh becoming one sync symphony, that's the way you love me.
Mortals imagine endless love with all the happy endings, souls encounter the timeline of eternity and play with the unknown because the final destination is each other, that's the way you love me.

The wind blows and the rain falls without the minimum logic explanation, that's the way you love me.

Fire destroys every beauty on its way, makes unforgetable burn marks. For us is the rain covering our bodies, that's the way you love.

Are you aware that there's no scape, we're doomed!

Salomée ♥!

One simple and clear frase you must know:

I miss  and need you here, now!










Salomée ♥!

With love,

I guess I’ve been ignoring you far too long, I’ve tricked myself on saying that I don’t want you, I’ve said it could wait and right now isn’t the moment for us . I’ve tried to blame your absence and said this isn’t meant to be. I’ve got tired of hoping that every month you’ll arrive; instead the red stream reminds me that you’re not ready to come in. My clock had mark the hours long time ago, I’ve distracted myself with the past, enjoyed this present but at the end of the day I miss you: my so-called wanted birth love, my cherished blind love that I wish to call mine and hold inside me until I’m able to carry you in my arms. I’m anxiously waiting for you, scare that I’m not enough, that I’m not adequate and my heart won’t be able to love you as much as you need me to. My wish, my everyday wish, it's for you to call me yours and we could have a lifetime learning experience and you can teach me all the secrets God will put in your heart for us to grow together and be part of this book of life humanity is writing.

Today I opened my eyes widely and went searching for answers on why your delay is present and why it’s so difficult for you to visit me. I won’t lie ,it hurts and I cried because the pain was unbearable and my entire body aches for your absence. I realized that my path needs to be complicated for me to treasure my true passion of  living this chess game that I call life and today I was happily crying ,thanking for the great opportunity of breathing and be here waiting for you. Today I viewed what I want to do with everything but instead of rushing and taking the wheels towards the road, I’m going to lose myself and let God take the steps until I get home safe with you: our home.

You have no idea how much wanted you’re, how much I want to hold you  and call you my baby. Until then I’ll keep waiting.

With love,

Mom.

Erasing

Erasing and making new memories isn't as easy as you might think, it takes will power  and determination. It takes two instead of one. It makes us wonder, where and when one of us got lost? making us realize that we're forgetting now instead of living.

 Erasing is imposible, it's better to think that we're discovering something new and ignoring the past since it's absolutely imposible!

Erasing it's dificult, because you miss and miss ,nd in the morning remember again. It takes a strong heart, one that hurts but keeps on walking no matter what.It takes blindness , so we couldn't see how meant for each other we're.

Erasing it's exhausting, breath taking and power consuming. It takes a strong mind that concentrate in new goals  while the heart longs for that bed, the cuddling, the soft hands and the smile.

Erasing doesn't have an end, we do.

Salomée ♥!

I'm fine, thanks!

Sure, i've been enduring and passing by in life little by little.Guess what: Today i feel great!

The sensation of despair it's on vacation today, lately it doesn't matter what was going on. My brain is busy with other things i want to accomplish. I guess that's how we deal with pain, replacing it with other worries and concentrating in other issues to solve of bigger importance.

I'm fine, thanks!

Sure, it hurt and was sofocating me, thought it was my end.The truth is, it was but i'm recovering. Enduring something helps our inner growth. Our peace is shaked but we'll be able to recover. Missing it, what was lost, only sets a record of never forgetting what made us who we are. Because we'll never forget but we shouldn't treasured the unworthy.

I'm fine ,thanks!

Day by day, owning my heart and giving it to the right one.

I'm fine,Thanks!

Salomée

The Johnny Walker move

- I'm nervous.-I said to my heart.

Heart: Why? It's just a visit, you'll be thousands of miles away.

-It doesn't matter,I'll be longing for no reason but at the end of
The day: Longing!!!

Heart: There's no reason darling to, you'll be fine.
You'll heal and this would be nothing but a bad joke to us.

-I want to forget, I want peace, I want the suffering to stop!

Heart: Child, it will. I thought it was going to be the end of us
But we'll be fine. You say you want to forget everything, does that mean Good and bad? Be careful!

- I want the bad to go away, but the good it's hunting me down. Once you've taste the

Sweet venom you can't conceive existence without it. So, the good needs to be forgotten too.

Heart: I see, it's more complicated than what I thought. But we can't drag his ass for too long! I'm tired.

-Me too, it's enough!!!...do you think he longs too?

Heart: Honestly, no. In theory, Yes. I don't know and this is what It's killing you right?

-Yes!!

Heart: Well you have to options: stay stucked or play the "johnny Walker" move!

-Huh?

Heart: keep walking ma' frien'



















Salomée

Build Faith

Build faith, it isn't something that you would obtain as a gift without running after it every day. It's a long walk on the park with the right company, trusting them with the eyes closed that you would get secure to a destiny unknown to you. How hard it's to trust  today, imagine having faith. It's much better setting our faith towards something higher than wasting our energy with merely mortals that could sweep our hearts. But without Faith in ourselves, in others, how can we believe God?

Build Faith, it's our save path to the upcomming future. Breathing air when you're sofocating, smiling to the so wanted victory while you cry the failure. Viewing the price of the championship when you're empty handed. Walking the mile towards success while others pass over you when you're stuck in the start line. Contemplating the sea, palm trees,cool summer breeze sensing that the house in the beach is finished when you're sitting in the empty field.

Build Faith, providing assurance in your heart that the storm may last the entire night but in the morning the sun would shine.

Getting faith isn't easy but if we search for it everyday, little by little it will grow as an endless tree.

Salomée

Today i choose Love

Today i choose Love.

I let go from the self conscience and forget once and for all.

No more you, more me.

Today i choose Love.
Smile instead regret.
Journey instead of past.

Today i choose Love.

I've been asking for a miracle, thank you for granting the space.

Gratefull for feeling so free.

Today i choose Love.

No more

 fighting with destiny.

No more ignorance.

Today i choose Love.

Walking foward instead of stopping.

Enjoying today's sun.

Today i choose Love.

Filling spaces that doesn't deserve to be empty.

Breathing new air for the first time.

Today i choose Love.

Today i give me a chance to do things right,

Today is mine.

Samoée

Dreamed phone call

Last night I heard your voice: it was clear, it made me smile, and it made me wonder how it was possible. Last night we talked, no arguments just relief of hearing each other. It took me a while to understand it was  a dream, but either way I was smiling and not grieving anymore:

-Last night we were happy, do you understand? Only in a dream and that was it.- I cried.

Him: We cannot keep doing this to ourselves. I need to go, please let me go.

-You left already, remember? I wasn’t able to stop you. You left me but last night we talked, it wasn’t about us, it was just a talk that I can’t remember in details. We just talked and were happy to hear each other. That was all  I  just wanted you to know.

Him: I can’t do this anymore, I don’t want to see you ever again. I want to forget everything.

-Relax , I know. I’m dealing with that my own way. But “there’s no rest for the wicked”, that’s why I keep thinking of  us. I go to sleep every night wondering when would it stop but now, is not enough knowing that you exist on top off that I hear you in my dreams. Frankly, that is some twisted black magic you’re using.

Him: What are you talking about? I’m not doing anything....
 (troubled voice)
...For the record, I hear you in my sleep too, I dream vividly with us, I’m struggling to move on. That’s why I had to leave you. We are better apart than together. That’s our reality , Sal.

(Resignation)

-I know, we tried “together” and  “separate” we’re better people. But why I insist on been infatuated with this mirage of us? I insist on seeing you again, I insist in us and I’m so tired of being the only one fighting for us.

Him: Stop that! Stop fighting for us, stop fighting for something that doesn’t exist that never existed. Our time passed, I don’t want you!!! You don’t understand it!

-Don’t get upset darling, I understand. It’s your rejection that causes my confusion and my indecision of letting go. You see, I have a theory: “I don’t like it when I can’t have it.” I don’t like sharing what’s mine.

Him: What are you talking about? And you say I’m Mr. Ego? I’m not yours, I walked away from you, I used you, the last thing I am right now it’s yours. I’m trying to be happy most important trying to make others happy.

-Then why  we  could never  looked  each other and just act normal, why there was  always a mystery between us, why we looked the other way when we were  in the same room, why did you call me that day  and told me all of those things? Why you chose someone else?

Him: You too, chose someone else! Remember? You made me leave, I asked you to change, to be the person I fall for. You refused to do it, you said good bye and later expected I came back and make me suffer it all over again!! No, I couldn’t.

-I begged you to come back, I asked God forgiveness for loosing you! but  you didn’t give me chance to prove it!! You stupid prick, I loved you. In what language should I break it down to you??

Him: I don’t love you anymore, Sal

-I know, but I’m having a hard time accepting it. Just let me enjoy the fact that last night I dreamed we talked and  we both felt happy on hearing each other. Let me enjoy my illusion.

Him: If you keep doing that you’re going to get it wrong again. If I would’ve want you I would’ve fought for you, I would’ve got the guts to get you.

-Yes, you're right. It hurts to hear the truth, but I needed to hear does words before when   the damage could’ve been avoided. (sigh)
 Never mind, you’re still in denial. At this point, is useless;  it’s over ,I understand now that I need to stop talking to you in my dreams. I end up disappointed here too. This isn’t a good sign, these conversations are over. You killed the moment.

Him: Fine, I can finally go to sleep again.

-Silence.

Salomée