Fact 4

I just finished my last post and then decided to call my conscience:

-Hi, Mom. Are you feeling better?

-Physically I’m getting better but I think I’m emotionally exhausted. I have witness too much in the past couple of days. - She sounds troubled.

-Are you fighting again with Dad?

-Sadly, this isn´t about me Hun!  What did you do? Were you that terrible to  him?

I lower my face, she can´t see me but she knows after the silence. Why we need to always go back to this subject.

-Mom, What are you talking about? I´m way too far to cause any damage.

-I saw him yesterday, he wasn´t aware of me being near. He´s lost! Completely lifeless.

-No, Mom! I think you are confused. That person is happy and it´s at his best moment.

-Listen to me. I know a Circus Charade when I see one.

-Mom, That doesn´t matter now. I´m done with that, I’m refocused to new things now.

-You blind child, are you going to play that game too.

-Mom, I don´t want to hear it. It´s done, we chose different lives, we want different things, we changed, life changed us. We don´t belong in a common world, We simply are intended to exist separately and I honestly think we´re happier.

She remained in silence.

-I know you worry about us, but honestly we´re fine or at least with time we will.

No answer.

-Don´t dwell for me, mom.

Suddenly i hear tears. I hear her breath getting thicker and anxious.

-Are you crying for this? Mom, don´t worry, pleases I´m ok.

She manages to speak.

-Is this how you wake yourself every day? Are these the words that let you sleep at night? You will not fight for it anymore?

-No. I won´t fight for it anymore.

-Then be ready for those consequences. Be ready for the hole that your chest will carry, be ready to look at the mirror and feel like something is always missing. Be ready for looking the other way when you see him and still feel your heart wanting to come out, be ready to cry from now and then wondering how he is, be ready to never forget and live a pretend life, be ready for sorrow, be ready for loneliness, be ready for a fractionated happiness, be ready to keep yourself locked and no one to find the key. Be ready to live my life. Wasn´t  you who said that you´ll be nothing like me? Wasn´t you the braver? Is this what you want? Thirty years from now this is where you´ll be, is this what your heart wishes?

Tears started to fall out limitless; now it was me with the heavy breathing, now it was me the speechless one.

-You see now why there´s no need for the Circus Charade.

-Mom, what can I do when one of us has the will but the other chooses to live the charade?

-So, you´re telling me that you´ve tried and you´re not the problem?

I said yes but the words don´t get out of my mouth but she knows the answer.

-I see…. Then you´re not the one walking towards dooms day….He is.

I bet that we both nodded at the same time.

-I´m sorry Darling but now I understand what you meant…. You had no other choice but to moved away from here and try to be happy. You´re  indeed the bravest and the best of us. You will conquer this, and soon enough you´ll be granted with a gift I can only dream of.

-What´s that, Mom?

- Amnesia.

Salomée